Gender Differences
Last night, I was talking to DH about yesterday’s Thursday Thirteen. He made the mistake of asking what I thought of Dr. John Gray’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
Also, reading over the comments from yesterday, I wanted to describe the types of love a bit more and explain how they related to each other. I also wanted to note that these are what Gray considers to be the primary needs for each sex and that it doesn’t mean you’re unusual because you appreciate ones from the other list more. Both sexes need all twelve types to be truly happy according to Gray.
Gray pairs the needs as shown below – the women’s needs feeding the man’s and vice versa. This makes sense to me because when I looked over them again, I’m not sure they’re as distinct as Gray makes them out to be. Only the first pair strikes me as having sufficiently different meanings. It could just be a “Martian/Venusian” translation issue (BTW, did I mention what a stupid metaphor I think that is?)
| Women’s Primary Needs | Men’s Primary Needs |
| Caring – A woman likes to have interest shown for her feelings and heart-felt concern for her well-being, not a perfunctory, “How was you day?” while flipping on the television. | Trust – Men feel they are trusted when a woman has faith that he does his best and wants the best for her. |
| Understanding – She needs to feel he’s listening without judging to feel heard and understood (closely tied to validation). | Acceptance – He needs to feel she loves him the way he is and that he’s not an improvement project – she can trust him to make his own improvements. |
| Respect – She needs to feel that her thoughts and feelings are taken into consideration and her rights, wishes and needs are acknowledged. | Appreciation – Women can fulfill this need by acknowledging that she has personally benefited from his efforts and behavior. |
| Devotion – Women thrive when they feel adored and special – a man can fulfill this need when he makes her needs and feelings more important than his other interests – like work, study and recreation. | Admiration – Men gain security from their woman’s happy amazement of their unique characteristics and talents. |
| Validation – Women need to feel they have the right to feel the way they do without judgment, argument or dismissal. | Approval – This is acknowledges the goodness in the man and recognizes the good reasons behind what he does. |
| Reassurance – Women don’t stay satisfied once their primary needs have been met once, they need to be continually shown they are loved. | Encouragement – A woman can encourage a man to be all he can be by continually expressing confidence, in his abilities and character. |
The trick will be illustrating how these needs are and are not met and how that adds to the conflict or resolution between the main characters in a romance plot. One flaw that Gray pointed out was that men and women tend to give the type of love that they want to receive, but the other side doesn’t know how to accept it, or because it doesn’t address a primary need, they’re not as appreciative of it.
I have tried to be more aware of the differences, but it’s a bit too touchy-feeling for us to make a serious study of the book and try to follow to the letter. I think some of the concepts are beneficial in real life, but I suspect I’ll gain more benefit from this book in how I look at and sketch out the characters.
Gray’s kind of ridiculous generalizations are part and parcel of the self-help movement, a ploy to sell books and milk the gullible public for money. Human psychology is far more complex than these dunderheads would lead you to believe–look, you can sum up the differences between the sexes in two neat columns, better yet, in point form so the logic seems simple and irrefutable. Masters of fiction like Flaubert, Joyce, Robert Stone and Ann Beattie have a much more nuanced view of interpersonal relationships and are miles ahead of practitioners of pop psychology. Read a good novel and you’ll gain much more interesting, relevant and insightful views of the human experience…
Well, ye-ah.
I do agree that by reading good novels you’ll get a deeper look at those particular authors’ truths and I’ll even venture to say that some not so good novels (even e-books) will provide that as well. Unfortunately, some of the “great” novels and authors also suffer from the obfuscation of their message in metaphors that are just as ridiculous or just plain inaccessible to the popular audience.
However, I personally needed something not quite so subtle, something that spelled ideas out in nice, neat, double columns with lots of bullet points. I was looking for broader generalizations — not to lift concept for concept, but to jump-start my own thoughts on what differences exist between the genders and why arguments, miscommunication and other conflicts arise from those differing perspectives. I didn’t claim Gray was irrefutable, just that his ideas made sense in the context I was reading it and, possibly more importantly, that he made me think about the subject in light of my own personal experiences and how that could relate and be used in my own writing.
I may never sell to a big publishing house, but if I learn a bit more about myself and human experience along my journey, then I think I’ve achieved my goal.
“Beware of those who claim to lead you to better self- knowledge by taking your money.”
-Graham Chapman, LIAR’S AUTOBIOGRAPHY
P.S. Sorry, missed the “m” in “form” on line 6 of my first message–can you make the change?
sorry, Flaubert helps me with insomnia. And I play Joyce and Hemingway with my CP and a couple of poet-friends all the time. Take Joyce. Please.
How are we going to get more readers into bookstores and libraries if the word “reading” conjures up, “good for you”? Not “good to read”?
I…er, like pop pyschology. I’m a big fan of Men who Hate Women.
Personally, I like authors who challenge me with their intelligence and devotion to the printed word. To read Joyce, first I read everything I could lay my hands on that had to do with the Irishman, especially Richard Ellmann’s peerless biography. Easy reads make for lazy minds. It’s okay to read for entertainment to leaven the heavy stuff but a steady diet of junk food reading makes our brains fat and lazy. Pump some iron, tackle the hard stuff, work that grey matter…
I did each of my senior theses on Joyce and Conrad (yes, I double bricked in English studies) – and enjoyed them immensely – and yet, when I wish to relax, they aren’t what I reach for.
On a personal note, I also know that Kaige is well read in the “heavy stuff” as well. Luckily, I enjoy her posts because she isn’t pompous enough to speak down to people who read across the board.
Pop psychology, while yes light (note the self inflicted word “pop” in the genre) also holds a significant place in culture – a well thought out one. I doubt we could live in a world where there was not a sub-group to boil things down to the lowest common denominator – – – not only for those who possess an IQ that lacks the ability to read, dissect, and remember all the great writers and philosophers, but to study things at their base levels is an art form. Every science possess this ability.
Kaige – as always thanks for bringing us your views on other people’s works and how you apply their theories to your own writing.
Mr. Burns, curiosity compels me to ask whether your brain’s sole outlet for exercise (to borrow your metaphor) is a book? Do you limit your brain to the same weight poundage, the same number of repetitions, and the same motions day after day? You speak (type) as though you believe a hike in the woods is somehow less than a jog on the gym treadmill.
As an aside, your preference for the rigorous, strictly-controlled, one direction and one direction only treadmill is apparent in your refusal to acknowledge the hike as little more than a begrudgingly-acceptable once-in-a-while deviation.
I imagine that putting aside your Joyce and picking up a Pratchett for an afternoon will give you a slightly more developed grasp of discussion (exploration, dissection, debate, cooperative opinion-sharing and idea-creation) than the competency you presently demonstrate.
Oh poo…
There’s nothing wrong with the basics. there’s nothing wrong with pop-culture [I really, really hate that term. anything referring to pop…blick :p]. I’m reading a book on how to teach my blind son to walk… What the heck is wrong with picking up some brain candy on my down time? I don’t need no stinking literary [wordy] prose. Sheesh. My brain is trim and useful.
So judgemental, eh?
People need to learn to enjoy life. It’s too darn short.
Love ya Kaige!!
Morgan